Category: Joke Board
Dear Sir,
I am writing in regards your job application which we received today.
Thank you for your interest in our technical position.
This position has received an extremely large number of applications and unfortunately, in this case yours has been unsuccessful.
I am happy to be able to extend to you an offer of the position of senior FUD materials officer in our MIS Information department.
This challenging position will stretch your obviously considerable creative writing abilities to their very limit,
as you will be required to generate high quality FUD, which we can use to distribute to our clients who are considering their disability employment requirements
under new legislation to be implemented shortly.
We feel it is important that the message be spread as widely as possible that people with disabilities are incapable of meaningful work,
and that, in fact, it is unlikely they will be able to contribute to society at all. We feel that you are just the person who can help us get this message
across in a fresh and dynamic way.
As we are an affirmative action employer, and having you onboard will allow us to pump out reems of media material about what a good hearted company we
are, I will address your accessibility concerns below.
> Before considering me for the position I must point out the following criteria your firm must meet before employing me.
>
> First, you must spend $2000 on a screen reader and arrange for all communication to be either, read to me, converted to braille or recorded onto tape.
I also require a safe, comfortable and secure place for my guide dog to sleep. I will need to take a several minute break every two hours to toilet my
dog.
Obviously, as a person with a disability, it would be unreasonable of us to expect that you would be able to use a computer.
In fact, we're not even convinced that you would have the capacity to read (what with blindness being directly linked to mental retardation and all).
As such, we have arranged for a volunteer who will sit with you and read all your correspondence to you in a clear and slow voice so you will be able to
understand.
This person (we like to call her betty) has had significant experience in reading "just so" so that blind people will be able to understand her,
as we have just exposed her to a week of listening to the recorded voice on the Centrelink disability, sickness and carers' help line.
(actually, after that, she's going a little soft in the head herself, so please excuse her if she has to check once in a while that you're sure of what
it is you're asking her to write).
You will be pleased to know that you won't require your guide dog, as we have more than enough competent staff who can take you by the arm and direct you
to where you want to go
(even if you don't get the opportunity to tell them where that might be, they know already, trust them).
>
> Are your lifts talking yet? If not, never mind as I am sure you will understand that when I am late its because I am ridding the lifts up and down until
I find my floor.
Our office takes a unique approach to building design.
As part of our disability initiative, we were able to pick up a prime piece of realestate from the government cheaply,
and as such, we have been able to take advantage of the slightly uneven land distribution to create a truely unique office layout.
our undulating corridors and random stes make the trip through our premises truely memorable for even the most careful traveller.
You need not worry though, betty and the rest of our guides are used to hussling people along at high speeds while providing vague instructions like "step"
or "look out", to insure you arrive at work on time every time.
>
> All staff must not move anything from my desk without first informing me. No objects should be moved at all.
You won't actually require any materials on your desk, in fact, you won't even require a desk.
We have set aside a specially padded room so that you won't hurt yourself in the process of carrying out your work.
We will also make sure that adequate basket weaving materials are kept within reach, should you feel the urge.
>
> I can use a photo copying machine but I cannot guarentee I will copy the right side up nor the right way round. The same for a fax machine, I get it right
50% of the time if thats ok. Another thing, should you consider me for the job would it be to much to ask to have all your contact phone numbers converted
to braille. This should help me be more efficient when sending faxes.
Again, we understand that the slowness of mind attributable to your blindness would preclude your ability to utilize such high tech devices as, say, scanners
to insure that your communications are ledgable,
we will install for your convenience the "disability phone". It has a big friendly label that marks it as such,
and betty will be able to dial your numbers for you, so that you don't get confused with the fac that we offer more than 3.
>
> I will need special equipment in the lunch room. Please braille the sugar and coffee and provide me with a water level device to reduce the risk of me
burning myself when on breaks.
You will be pleased to know that you will not need to attend the lunch room.
Obviously, we are concerned about the possible impact having to deal with someone with a disability might have on our other "normal" staff,
and the stress that might put you under.
As such, we have set aside a room for our special employees to eat their lunches in.
A supervisor will be on hand to serve you your lunch each day,
and to remind you to be careful because its very hot, while snatching the plate away from you each time you go to touch it.
We've arranged for them to do this for at least 5 minutes with each meal, so you don't forget that you might burn yourself.
>
> I am restricted to working between the hours of 8am and 5pm. This is due to public transport not being available outside those hours and I am not able
to work on Sundays due to no puplic transport at all.
This is no problem for us as we will have the special bus collect you each morning from your door, and drop you back there each afternoon.
The driver will be able to hold your hand to make sure you don't get lost between the front gate and the front door.
He will also be able to reassure your family, should they be living with you, that you will be alright, and that we will take good care of you (crying on
the way out the door is strictly optional).
>
> I am unable to use an alarm clock, my guide dog wakes me at 6:30 most mornings. Sometimes he lets me sleep in until 8 so dont worry when I am late I will
be in as soon as he wakes me.
We know how exciting having a job for the very first time will be for you, and weare sure that the noise of the special bus coming down the road each morning
will provide ample motivation for you to get ready as fast as you can.
>
Once again, thank you for your interest in our company,
and we look forward to working with you.
Sincerely,
Su Mi,
HR Director.
lol wow that's funny
Rotfl ahhaa.
Caitlin
LOL! I loved it..grin.